partying with negative nancies.

I like to think of myself as a positive person, which only heightens when I'm under the influence so it's hard for me to go out to parties with people who constantly complain instead of making the best out of the situation.

going with the flow, rolling with the homies.

Mr. Johnson said that you should date around in college and I be thinking to myself, "How da fuq do I go about doing that?" Lost puppy, lost soul, I want a slice of cake.

Berkeley Bubble

Maybe it's because I'm on my period, but my friends keep having me fucked up. Don't act like you're my mom. Don't act like I'm acting brand new.

What people need to understand is that I'm caught up in the Berkeley bubble. I can't escape because I'm trying to make the most out of my college experience. Every time I think about going home, I stop myself and think about all the shit I would be missing out on if I went home for just one weekend. I'm so close, but my mind is so far away.

College is when you get to know who REALLY keeps in touch.

It really bugged me when I heard you were talking shit. Not really talking shit, but kind of making it seem like MY life wasn't that interesting after I tried showing you a good time. Honestly, what the fuck.

To new beginnings, I guess!

The shit I did Saturday and Sunday night was really unlike me. Fuck.

Moving in next Friday,

I don't want the day to come. I'm scared. If I'm this nervous about moving 10 minutes away from home, imagine how I'd do if I chose to go somewhere down South.

I'm really worried about keeping up with my schoolwork. My senior year at Skyline did not prep me at all for what's to come at one of the most competitive schools in the nation. I don't remember how to study at all. I really have to push myself, or it's BAD. Time to get out of this lazy slump.

Bye, bye to my last free weekend with the homies!

It's been a good weekend. My weekend basically started Wednesday night and it has yet to stop. My weekend basically started once my lips touched a blunt or a lick of alcohol. Good friends and good laughs. I really fuck with it. Drunk people are so funny. Too lazy to list everything I did...

Next weekend, I'll be camping with family. The weekend after that, I'll be in Occidental. The Friday after that, I'm an official Cal student. See me at the dorms! I really want to know who my roomies are...

I can't believe I skipped the entire month of June without writing. What have I been doing? I've been asking myself that question a lot.

I've been dilly-dallying around with friends, going to work, and watching my favorite ridiculous shows on TV. I've been living the good life. There has been a lot of trifles with friends and boys, but none directly involving me. Sometimes I think I'm trifling for looking at other guys and getting their digits, but I'm living carefree so I really just don't care.

I do miss how things used to be though. Kicking it at Austin and Vincent's until the wee hours of the night. Playing spades until we get hella tired. MIEN food! I miss that shit the most. And being in the company of the people from the community - STP and AYPAL folks. I really do miss everyone, but I'm excited that Linda organized this hiking trip! Seeing old faces might be weird for a few, but great for most.

A high school weekend at its finest!

Everything about this weekend made me appreciate being a senior and my friends.

Thursday to Saturday I got to go to three amusement parks in SoCal (Disneyland, Universal Studios, and Magic Mountain) with friends and classmates for GradNite. There were illegal substances and outta pocket dares on the bus. Definitely something I will never forget. Do it for the THREE!

Sunday, Miranda and I were off to Austin's to celebrate his birthday. Drinking games and delicious Mien food is fasho da best. Afterwards, we were off to shenanigans that led us to another birthday boy's house for more dares. I'm really glad I got to see him that night. People were really tryna push us together with dirty dares! I will never look at maple syrup the same way...

Today, I hella wanted to stay home because I was exhausted and I felt bad for not being home the entire weekend but Donna called me for Thriftown. 50% clothing? I couldn't resist. After shopping, we were off to Stinson Beach for Hannah's birthday. It was SO beautiful. Dancing at the beach and looking at the beautiful ocean around us, I was juiced off life. It made me so sentimental.

My senior year has been SO good to me! I wouldn't change a thing. I'm hella happy with my life right now. Now I must write this graduation speech by Friday and prep for finals next week. Zamn daddy, I'm bouta cry.

Happy Ratema,

I'm probably the happiest I've been in so fucking long. The only thing I'm remotely worried about is passing my last marking period of Physiology, but other than that, my life is great.

Been talking to a new guy and he's sooo sweet. He's not the player-type sweet, but genuinely sweet. Had a little quadruple date Friday (hopefully this one isn't cursed like that quintuple date), and it was hella chill and fun. It proved that we could hang out sober, because before that, we were always on as fuck. I is a happy camper! :)

Saturday was Cinco De FUCKEDUP and I got shwasted. Kinda wished I calmed my ass down, but I had a lot of fun. It was like a fucking Montera reunion. First party I've been to in a while where I actually knew most of the people there! Good shit.

Went to the Oyster Farm with cousins today. Got buzzed on champagne and took my baby cousin to go play in the water. Good food, good people, and a good buzz. It's been real. 

I'm really happy at this point in my life. Everything that's been holding onto my stress is now over and I'm just chilling. All in all, AYS assembly was a sucess and prom had it's ups and downs, but I had hella fun afterwards with friends. Finally got fucking closure from Vincent last week. I'm hella proud at how much I've grown since the break up. Even though I still dwell on the past from time to time, I feel comfortable moving on.

My goal right now,

Is to try to be laid back and step away from looking thirsty because I ain't no thirsty nigga. Except this guy is so sweet....

Prom is my thing?

Tonight was the Teacher Talent Show, and I must say, it was probably the best Teacher Talent Show to ever hit Skyline. I give much props to Ashanique for organizing the event and rallying up all the administrators and staff to participate! Class of 2012 made bank! Hella people showed up and it was definitely a must-see!

After the show, I congratulated Ashanique on organizing the show and she said she was really happy. The thing that got me nervous was when she said, "This was my thing, prom is your thing." After she said that I was like, AWWW SHIT! and I got hella nervous because yes, I've been very active in planning prom, but due to my own youth organizing, I've had to miss one crucial meeting and rely on my officers - the venue visits early last summer. I'm really nervous about the size of the venue for prom. It's MUCH smaller than last year's, but still very classy. I really hope everything goes well. I'm also nervous about the administrators' assertion of the "no dirty dancing" rule system. I know for a fact that dem flashlights can fasho ruin someone's night and who are they going to blame? Me.

Honestly, it's not about the venue, the DJ, or the dancing - prom is about spending time with friends and dressing up looking hella cute. But that's just me, to others, prom is a bunch of material things so I'm SUPER nervous.

May the force be with me, and opinions not kill me.

This should be a happy time for me,

Got into college, got hella shit done this week, but there's still loads of little things to do. SIGHHH, but I'm gonna forget about my responsibilities for 3 days on my trip to UCSD!

Ordered the AYS T-shirts today. FASHO.

Tomorrow is basically my "Friday" because I'm gonna hop on a plane to SD Thursday. I hope they don't fuck up Shane's plane ticket, because I'm really not in the socializing mood this week! But I'll try my best to be hella friendly and shit.

I found out that I didn't get the Incentive Award. No one from Skyline got it, because apparently it's a scholarship competition for the East Bay Region. Fuuuck. I really just wanted the scholarship so that it'd make my decision to go to Berkeley easy on me. Now that nothing (except for my major, the gazillion cool organizations there, my sister, and the Khmer language course) is holding me back. To be a SoCal girl or stick to what I know?

As of now,

My plans for the next four years are pretty set.

It's stress overload time. I didn't realize how little time I had before the AYS assembly. Damn you, spring break for playing with my emotions! I gotta do a good number of tedious things. I'm tryna assign more roles to people, but it's just hard when I want things done a certain way. But I got Chrystal on the video and her ideas are hella funny so I hope she gets everything done on time. All dem niggaz better show up to Filipino dance practice Sunday. Tired of filling in for them. And Donna is on the playlist.

I'm surprised not a lot of teachers replied to my invite, so I'm gonna go to them individually to find out what the haps is. I need to fill the auditorium!

AND it's spirit week followed by senior events next week.

Let's do it.

Tentative Design for AYS shirt

I have to poop.

Life has been... good? Yes, I'd say it's been great. Scared for next week though. A little scared for the AYS assembly. And anticipating prom and hoping/PRAYING everyone will enjoy themselves.

BUUUT, I love my friends. I just wanna dance and then go to sleep. The end.

Biggo sighs for March,

Missed two calls from UCSD. Why you no email me? sad lyfe.

I've been trying to help my friends out with college shit. It stresses me out. I just want to see them happy, but it's hard to help them fix the mistakes from their past. Thank goodness for Cyber High.

I'm not even going to mention college in any of my tweets, fb statuses, or tumblr posts.  Promise. I hate seeing people confused and sad when they don't get college notifications as soon as others. FUCK, it's going to be a hard month.

my name is Ratema,

and I am no longer afraid of the freeway.

ANXIETY

My tight has been really tight lately. I don't know why. I don't feel like I'm that stressed. I don't feel stressed at all. Is my chest tight because of my unhealthy eating? I still feel healthy though. I need to see a doctor soon.

Day Eight and Nine

I'm excited for my mom to come home. I miss her.

Today, I finally had a chance to drive alone in my car and belt out some Adele. It felt good. I've been looking forward to driving alone and singing along to a song that I actually know lyrics to! Fuck yeah.

In other news, guess who got voted "Most Likely To Succeed" in the yearbook? I'm so surprised I beat out all the smartypants in my class. Fasho!

Day Five, Six, and Seven

Having the car on weekends is so much freedom.

Not being comfortable enough to drive on the freeway is not.

Day Four

Boring life updates.

• School
• CORE
• Sex Education Justice at the SMACK youth program.
• Home.

Lost a bet.

The SMACK workshop was lightweight difficult. People were on their phones and I felt like they didn't understand what we were saying. But in the end, there were a few who were genuinely interested in what we were saying/doing during the focus group. Yay to at least ATTEMPTING to make a difference.

Day Three

Had to drive to Samuel Merritt University for a Physiology field trip today. Picked up Daniel so he could tell me directions. Saw dead bodies and shit, played with their organs and then drove back to school.

After school, the school bus honked at me but it was my bad. Whatever. Drove Tracy to The Spot and I went to the Young Men's Program to practice our Sex Education Justice workshop. Had a little bit of trouble parking in the parking lot. I got out of YMP at like 5 and visited Tracy and then drove her home.

I drove on the freeway today. So fucking fast. I don't know if I'd drive on the freeway alone. Shit's so fast, I don't know how to act. I'll get used to it eventually.

Every fucking day, I have somewhere to be after school. So little homework, yet so little chilltime. boo.

Day Two

Today I experienced a new sense of freedom.

I drove to school, went to first period and realized I forgot my Physiology folder (which potentially meant a slow death in 7th period), so I decided to drive home 2nd period to get it. It was such a simple in and out. Blake barely even questioned me. And when I got back, I found a decently close parking spot.

AYS today went smoothly. We broke into committees and other than the lack of attendance by some important officers, it was gravy.

After school, I drove to The Spot. Found a great parking spot just around the corner. Worked on some art projects. Lena decided to be creepy and wave to random people through the window. By doing so, she attracted an old Chinese lady, who came in and asked us hella questions in Cantonese. Only Fiona and Lena knew what she was saying. She was so cute and curious.

Got off work early, drove Fiona home, came home to make some rice. I'm getting used to this driving thang.

Day One - Mama's in da Motherland

Woke up to a silent house. Had to drive to school. Fucked up a couple times. Was nervous.
After school, I had to drive downtown. Got honked at once. Fuck dat nigga, I knew it was my fault so I didn't get angry.
CORE met with SAFIRE and YMP. Played a couple games and got deep in an art/writing workshop.
Scooped Vince and Miranda, took them home. Came home at like 7:45 to my dad.

Gotta do everything. Eating leftovers right now, then I gotta make more rice (or maybe I should make it tmr morning...). Poopie. I miss my grandma and mom already. :( Hope they're having fun.

One crazy, drunken night.

If only the camera saw what I saw...

 I was da twerk mastah. Jk, I just didn't give a fuck.

 Julien Tell

 Asian gang or don't bang.

 We was so diverse that night.

I spent my entire night chasing this girl around, making sure her ass didn't die somewhere.

blahblahblah, all you suckahs do is complain.

Why don't YOU try planning a fucking prom that we can afford? Talk your shit then.

busybee weekend

Friday:

• School, then made cake pops with Key Club officers at my house.
• Vagina Monologues at UCB, then sushi and Top Dog.

Saturday:

• 9AM Breakfast with cousins at 900 Grayson.
• Grocery shopping then off to The Spot's Youth Open House.
• Curry Crab dinner at cousin's house, then Fenton's for dessert.

Sunday:

• 9AM bake sale in Montclair that got shut down by the health department. T.T
• Filipino Dance practice from 2 to 4PM.
• Fuck homework, I need to relax.

This weekend was basically my birthday weekend with family. I hate getting attention, which is ironic since I lead hella shit that prompts me to be the center of attention. Let me fade in the background until further notice please.

I feel like a lot of my friends only come to me because I know shit - whether it be when 3rd period starts, when prom tickets go on sale, or what physiology homework was last night.

Prove to me that you actually enjoy my friendship and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Feeling used ain't nothing new to me.

Psychic Readings,

So after going to the flea market with my mom and grandma today, I went to see a psychic with Tracy. At first, I was skeptical, but she started to really describe my life. I definitely won't believe EVERYTHING she says, but zamn, she was accurate.

She was telling me how I used to be confident, but I lost it. I'm a genuinely happy and honest person, but inside I'm soft and sad. There are "dishonest" people around me and the person I confide in the most is blocking me from my future. Wut.

Apparently, I need to let go of the past to make a better future. da fuq. I don't think I'll do that again.

black boyz

I say black boys talk to hella girls for a reason - experience. Nigga, please. You got an Asian fetish? Take that shit outta here.

OYEA and The Spot Youth Center

Today was The Spot Youth Center's open house for donors and basic adult allies and I enjoyed myself. I gave some people tours and told them what OYEA is all about.
Compared to last year, I've come to really enjoy myself in OYEA. There are a lot more people involved and Mike Tran always keeps shit lively! Last year, I dreaded going to the meetings because only two or three, MAYBE FOUR people (if we were lucky) would show up. This year, there are a lot of funny and committed people in OYEA and I'm really happy that I've gotten comfortable around most of them.

The open house had a photo-booth so we took advantage of that shit. This is a picture of the girls in OYEA. We took a group picture with everyone from OYEA and Warriors For Peace (plus MIKE TRAN), but it hasn't been uploaded yet.

Good food, good people, and a beautiful sense of community!

Scholarships

Scholarships ask hardass questions. They want to know your life. How am I supposed to tell them my life when I can't figure my own life out?

Time for some self-reflection.

Anxiety in my chest, I want to fight the world.

Stressing out. It's hard to have so many responsibilities on top of dealing with college shit. I thought every thing would be gravy once I submitted my apps, but I still have to deal with scholarships and supplemental questionnaires and the FEAR of rejection.

AYS has been dying. I go into every Tuesday meeting what the hell I'm gonna talk to them about. Today was bad. It's so hard trying to lead a club when your friends think it's cool to be an asshole to you in front of everyone. Like, okay, we're friends and this would be acceptable OUTSIDE of the club, but your attitude towards me is not going to attract new members. I barely see Tony D. so I be feeling hella lost. Assembly is April 17th, and guess what? So is the Teacher Talent Show and Prom. I'm gonna fight someone. PROMISE.

My chest is tight, and tonight's Glee made me so mad.

New guys I just wanna deny,

The guys who have shown interest in me recently are black. I don't know how to act. They spit the same lines at different girls (I'm not stereotyping, this is a fact) and are just looking for someone to get it in with. You think you're smooth asking, "You think I'm handsome?" calm yo balls.
Except I'm only describing one guy. The other guy is okay. Nice. Doesn't seem like a player (although his Twitter speaks otherwise). Again, I don't know how to act.

It's funny because I'm positive both of them smoke equal amounts of weed each day. Nigga, please.

Love Life

Non-existent and happy with it. I understand what went wrong in my last relationship and I accept it.

In other news, I've been too lazy to party lately. I just wanna go out, come home before midnight, and knock the fuck out. Maybe even come home before eleven.

Winterball 2012

It's really nice to have a set of good friends. Winterball was great because I was able to bounce from group to group dancing with randomass people and not give a fuck. My only regret was rolling in a little bit tipsy, because I'm pretty sure Mr. Anderson knew. Very unprofessional of me. But whatever, I had fun dancing. That's all I want to do.

Oh hey, I got new glasses! $7.95! I only had to pay for shipping! Fuck yeah, Coastal.com! You get your first pair free. I've been waiting for my glasses to come for like a week when they've been sitting near my home phone since last Thursday. My mom just forgot to tell me. T.T

Prom Dates

I used to SMH hella hard at girls who tripped about not having a date to prom, but now I kind of understand them. Honestly, I just want someone to take a muthafucking picture with so I can give it out to my friends and mentors. I'm not looking for anything romantic. I just wanna have fun and as long as my date doesn't get in my way, I'm solid!

Shane told me it'd be easy for me to find a date, Boy, was he wrong. I wish I was a witch so I could make my perfect man out of dough, like on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I just need him to look pretty next to me while I look fucking ravishing and elegant as fuck.

I have this weird feeling,

I can't really talk to that foo casually anymore. It's like I have built-up resentment.

NYE

There was no solid plan for New Years Eve this year. We met at the Montclair parking lot at 9pm and everyone began to yell at eachother regarding where to go and what to do. I sat on the sidelines, as usual.
We ended up hopping on BART and getting to SF around 11:45. It was a fucking mission. Crowds of drunk and high people everywhere. I got lost from the group with Shane and Miranda while Austin tried to find Lauren before midnight. Miranda was drunk and I had to pee.
I didn't care for the rest of the night. I felt like I was the mama trying to keep my children safe.
By the end of the night, we ditched the others and ended up at Austin's House high as fuck. THAT is when I finally started to enjoy myself. Austin, Shane, Miranda, and I played card games and drank nasty vodka. I had Hella fun just being with those 3 people. Everything was fucking hilarious.
Next year, I'm keeping shit intimate.