does distance really make the heart grow fonder?
i guess we'll find out soon enough.

the other side of the door

"I said 'Leave,' but all I really want is you
To stand outside my window throwing pebbles
Screaming, 'I'm in love with you'
Wait there in the pouring rain, come back for more
And don't you leave cause I know
All I need is on the other side of the door"

"And I'll scream out the window
I can't even look at you
I don't need you but I do, I do, I do
I say, 'There's nothing you can say to make this right
I mean it, I mean it' "

"After everything i must confess, I need you."

is it wrong that i don't want to share you with the rest of the world?

the problem with shopping for other people is..

finding the right size of clothing for someone without offending them..

• you get a size small, but it doesn't fit them so they feel fat.
• you get a size medium and it's too big. they think you think they're fat.
• you get a large, and it can go both ways.

JUST TELL ME YOUR SIZE NOW!

or i can guess. you know, my guessing skills have always been pretty accurate =] (not.)

after a rough monday night, a problem-solving tuesday, and

a completely unsatisfying, unproductive wednesday :

i'm feeling pretty good about myself =]

i look forward to talking to him more often and maybe a date in the near future? hint hint ;]

i planned on doing a lot of homework today. but i didn't. tryna free up my weekend.


i want a pet. that's not underwater - preferably a dog named Raison

Fallin' - V.S.

Fallin'
Piece by piece it seems
Is it true or just an illusion?
It seems so real, but I can't accept it
It's like an image in water where you touch it
and it disperses
Effortless I am, it takes a lot to realize it
Denial is life and it isn't fun
They say even the greatest fall
On 9/11 the twin towers were seen fallin'
Tonight my tears were fallin'
Ever since that special day, my heart has been fallin'
My pride had been fallin'
My ego had been fallin'
My "masculinity" had been fallin'
What's next to say?
Is it I that is fallin' next?
Is it our relationship that's fallin'?
Are we sure it isn't another couple's tragedy?
Fallin'
A hero falls
A nation falls
But.. Can we possibly be fallin'?
So it seems..
Realization of deep foundation
Base to our survival is communication
No free time but let's create it
Girl don't let this bridge fall
We worked hard to build it. Why now?
Even earthquakes couldn't tear it down
But a little problem like this could?
It just can't be true
You know my appreciation towards you
You know where my heart is
Though I don't show it,
Doesn't mean it's not there
Only blind because I can't see
Only hurt because I can't show
Only invisible because I hide it
I can't find myself nor my heart
I cannot show because I don't know
But believe it's there
It must've been since we've gotten this far
How can I show or tell you?
I want to, but I can't
I don't know myself, but tonight I will
I want to show you..
I want to not fall, but for you I will
Fallin' ta me one more time

so there's this scary feeling,

of not knowing what to do, what comes next, & how to approach everything.

there's this "rough patch" in the relationship,
where you think everything's gonna end.

there are these conversations,
only to be expressed in person.

there are few times, you get to see him in person,
so how do we find a solution to this problem?

love was in the air

it filled my lungs

choked me

polluted my mind

& begged for mercy

love was in the air

causing tears to roll down my cheeks

like gallons of cement

sticking to my face

and causing that uncertainty

love was in the air

expressing true happiness

sadness and anger

confusion at most

love was in the air

making it hard for me to breath.

there's a time, where everything changes.

over the honeymoon stage?

so we haven't been talking a lot lately.
ever since that one day i decided to "test" him to see if he'd text me and he didn't.

i guess you can say we're over the "honeymoon" stage.
but for seem reason, i don't have that NEED to text him anymore.
my thumbs are so tired from that +6 months of speed texting.

i just want to talk to him in person.

there are times when i don't want to talk to him at all..

jump then fall

i made a tumblr to see what all the fuss was about.
it sucks. i was like wtf?

in other news,
i'm realizing spending time together is really all that matters. cause we can never find time to be together anymore.

"I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound
I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk, you didn't notice
I hear words but all I can think is
We should be together
Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you"

i do wish we had more time to just talk in person though.
texting is our way of communication..

i can never quite explain my emotions anymore.
neither can i control them..

fuck this shit.

fuck this shit.

fuck this shit.

keeps replaying in my head.

it's like the TV is pyschic!

you know how sometimes you're in a tough situation and then you turn on the TV to lose yourself in a comedic or overly dramatic tv show?
all of a sudden, you realize the scene on tv totally relates to your situation!
coincidence? hell yes.

like today, i was watching Glee and the end song was "Lean On Me"
completely related to the day i had today.
hearing shocking news from the dentist office, at school, and when i got home.

it's crazy.

and i never know the right way to handle it.

what's the point of

being with someone if they cause you more pain and hurt than happiness and love?


BTW. as a way of procrastination and boredom, i changed my blogspot page. if only i wasn't technologically challenged, i wanted to add music..

some people,

smell like poo.

really! they do!

i'm forced to sit behind them and it's all baaaad!

yesterday,

was a pretty damn good saturday.

free samples, good food, and cute performances at the GREEN FESTIVAL! in sf with my safire girls

shopping with them as well. =] 7 for $25 underwear at victoria's secret! ayeee!

then taking the bart back to chinatown for Mr. Hyphen! had hella fun screaming until my throat started to get sore. the contestants were great. TONY!! didn't win, but it's all good.

i was whooped by the time i got home.

i love these types of days.

with my dad in japan, i knew my mom would get more protective and practically put me on lockdown.
she made so many fucking excuses so i wouldn't go out today. i was pissed.
"no, it's Friday the 13th, bad luck. stay home"
"no you're sick, stay home"
i'm not even sick..
she knows i'm not that happy with her and i know she's not happy with me.
i've always been on more of a lockdown than my sister because i tend to go out more.
before my dad left, he told me to take care of my mom. just me. what about my sister? what difference does it make?
it's stupid and annoying.

i'm not doing stupid shit like most teenagers my age. i should be trusted.

i can't wait for that freedom i've always wanted.

you suck, stranger

someone keeps hacking into my blogspot.
i've changed my password numerous times. stupid high-tech hackers.

today i had a queasy feeling during the AYPAL ylo. no good. i probably shoulda ate more than just an orange when i went home afterschool.

my dad is in japan right now. it's probably not a healthy family relationship to just announce to your wife that you bought tickets to japan. just for yourself.
nice, thanks daddy. a little selfish, don't you think?

i'm looking forward to saturday. it's not gonna be a late night for me, but it's gonna be an eventful day. =]

i should be studying right now.


ME TIME is good.

i'm afraid to go any faster,
because the faster you go,
the harder you fall.

the closer you get,
the more hurt there is
when it all goes down.

BY THE WAYYY, this is no longer a joint blog. it's just ratema =]
you want chiravann? hit up that tumblr

Eet - Regina Spektor

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.

You spend half of your life trying to fall behind.
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal.
He opens a window just to feel the chill.
He hears that outside a small boy just started to cry
'Cause it's his turn, but his brother won't let him try.

you don't really understand a song, until you listen to the lyrics.

what happens when you find something out that changes the way you look at someone?
do you act like everything's normal?
like you don't know this huge piece of information that contradicts everything they've ever said?

can you please cooperate?

please, please, please, PLEASE!!!!

cooperate. forreals. just bugs the fuck outta me. especially when i KNOW you have opinions and you speak up often but you choose NOW to be dead silent. not cool.

other than that, i thought the SAFIRE workshop went pretty well. even though we ran outta time, the girls all did a really good job. especially, those in the little groups motivating the others and throwing out ideas.

there was just one group that really bugged me. when you don't say shit, it makes me feel like i'm doing a terrible job facilitating.



also,
NO chemistry teacher for like 3 days! no wonder i haven't had that much homework to do =]

always ending my sentences with "...and shit."

you know, notecards and shit.
made my arm fuckin sore.

i really hate playing certain sports in PE, like the type that involves teams (SOFTBALL!). it'd be hella fun with different people, no doubt. but really? is it necessary to yell at the people that can't catch the ball? is it necessary to put people down? NO IT'S NOT! so shut the fuck up. if we wanted to play softball, we'd try out for an actual team. it's not like we fuckin choose to do this shit.

rude people making people feel bad. that's what's wrong with this society. glad i'm not taking PE next year.

on another note, listen to this:
"Are all asians and white people racist towards blacks and mexicans?"
- asked by my dear TD friend

think about it? do you think it's true? i think for the most part, it is true. we're influenced by stereotypes and our parents are for sure undercover racist.

don't lie, you know you stiffen up when you see a group of mexicans or black guys coming your way. you know you're scared. you know why? cause you watch the news, you notice the similarities of those people gunning people down and are the cause of drive-by shootings. could be coincidence. or it could just be people living up to their stereotypes.


i keep forgetting to eat dinner cause i'm too busy doing homework.. i'm gonna die.

so i'm one of THOSE people

• drifting away from friends i've known the longest.
• staying on my phone 24/7.
• feeling displaced and lost with the people i used to have so much fun with.
• questioning my actions in the hopes of preventing "clingyness".
• being closed off with people i used to tell EVERYTHING to.

what's wrong with me?

there's gonna be that day where all of a sudden, there's no one.
no one to turn to.
or hang out with outside of school, or even at lunch.



no one to talk to. to vent to. to make me feel better during tough times.




one day, i'll just be alone.

the speed of light

DO: lie about your age to get candy on halloween

DON'T: walk around the streets of berkeley at night. witnessed some serious creepers

Halloween was yesterday, now that it's over i keep thinking about the holidays coming up. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. all the holidays where the media makes families look happiest.

these holidays do make me happy though. as it should. bringing people together and showing your appreciation. i love it. (especially now that i will actually have money to spend on presents - getting paiddd. AYEEE!)

just a random thought of excitement =] =] =]